DIGITAL ART by Jirah Grace Cabibijan.
Today marks the end of my working life and the people who supported it.
As I walked down the aisle, I got a warm, summery feeling from the spacious hallways. Whenever I was away, I always felt liberated. To be free, though, was like being a bird that was flying freely high up on the horizons but stuck in the air. It was a struggle to leave the school grounds. It’s difficult to leave your passion behind.
“Goodbye, Ma’am!” These are few of the words I’ve always heard while walking down the school’s hallways for the past 18 years. Now, these words mean more than just saying goodbye to your teacher for the day. Today it means goodbye, without saying “see you tomorrow” right after you utter the word. Today it will mean as it always mean, what it truly means.
As I stepped foot inside the school, I was already met with the moist air from the fog. Yet at the same time, my skin was already jolting with sweat from the sun, which was already rising. The bell rang, and it was time for my first class of the day-- my advisory class. It made me nervous, and I felt weird about it. I have never been nervous before entering a classroom before. I was always happy about it. The nervousness made me hear my heartbeat through my own ears, it made me even more nervous than I already was. As I entered the room, I was met with loud whines and the saddest of frowns from my students.
"Ma'am, sure na ba it?"
"Ma'am mami-miss ka namon."
"Ayaw gad laanay lakat, Ma'am."
These were the only comprehensible sentences I could hear from them as they all started whining all at once. Their voices would always get louder, but never this loud. This would normally give me a migraine, but I felt a pinch in my heart. Instead of making me feel annoyed, it made me feel guilty. I felt selfish. The more they talked about my departure, the more guilty I felt. The pinch in my heart was no longer just a pinch. It was becoming a dagger going through my heart, piercing it. This was only the first class, and I couldn't even fathom what it would be like for my remaining classes.
My day went on with the same thing happening every time the class started. Whines, loud complaints, frowns, and lots of pouting-- and every time, the pinch in my heart got worse and worse until it finally hit me.
Almost two decades ago, I started my first day at this school. A bright sunny day full of laughter and cheerful chatter filled the room that I'd be looking after since that day. But today, the sun from this morning was nowhere to be found. It became gloomy and I felt a cry wanting to get out of my throat.
I entered my final class for the day. This is it, I thought.
That's the wrap up of my 31 years of experience as an educator. I couldn't believe this was the last time I was going to teach in a classroom full of students with dreams and a future. I was once a student in this classroom. I once had a dream and a future, and I am living them now. I guess I could say that I'm living the dream. I always dreamt of being a teacher, and here I am, ending that experience as I continue on with my retirement.
"Goodbye Ma'am!" I heard a student say as I walked out of the school premises. I smiled and waved back at them, but soon enough, the cry that was stuck in my throat finally made its way out of my body. Tears streamed down my eyes, and I let out a quiet sob. That was it. That was the last time I'd ever get to hear those words. It is now goodbye, and this time, it is truly meant.
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